Good morning, America! It is Election Day, and today you choose whether it is time for more democracy or more fascism! And we have literally no idea what you are going to do! You’re weird and bad at elections like that sometimes, and quite frankly, some of you out there are just fucking idiots.

Not Wonkette readers, obviously! But some of your neighbors, unfortunately. 🙁

People who say they’re mad at the Supreme Court for overturning Roe v. Wade and that they are Democrats BUT YET “I’m shifting more towards Republican because I feel like they’re more geared towards business.” You betcha. Those “geared toward business” Republicans, like maybe the ones who are threatening companies who are unfairly refusing to give Grimes’s ex-boyfriend their advertising money, which makes baby bald freedom eagles cry because … ???

The point is it is Election Day, and regardless of if you are a smart voter or an abjectly stupid voter, no American has to worry whether it’ll get stolen because the MyPillow Guy is going to be running the crimestoppers desk, and he’ll be stopping the election crimes in real time.

Realtime crimetime transcript!

“We have great news. We’re going to be watching every race. We’re going to have the real-time crime desk going at, everybody. You can watch me there tomorrow night.

Forget MSNBC or CNN, we’re watching FrankSpeech!

“I have cyber guys with me. Some of the best in the world and they’re going to be showing you charts of each race!

None of the other networks have charts of each race. They report things like “vote totals” and “late night dumps from DeKalb.” The MyPillow Guy’s got charts.

Are they stealing this one? Is there no fraud in this one?

“It’s going to be the real-time crime desk. We’re not going to let them steal this right in front of us this time. We know too much.”


In other extremely related news Dinesh D’Souza is telling people that if they see any mules, please contact the authorities and also put mule pictures on the internet. From what we understand, mules typically run in packs of about 2,000 and they look like this:

OK fine that is a donkey, the internet’s selection of mule .gifs is shit.

Don’t let that guy steal any elections either. And please for the love of Christ go vote.


Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!


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